Sir, you can’t go inside the bank wearing your hat and sunglasses.
(removes hat and sunglasses) (walks into bank) (fills out deposit slip) (thinks to self) Who is that??? She is gorgeous! I have to get to her window. Ahhh, she wouldn’t want a guy like me, though. Big bald spot. How can I hide it? Hmm … (puts hat on). Then my cross-eyes. What can I do to cover them? Hmm … (puts sunglasses on). Ok, I’m ready.
May I help the next person in line?
(skips 8 people in line) That’ll be me, pretty woman! Ha!
(eyes widen) He’s finna rob the bank!
*The 8 people the old man jumped in front of tackle him to the ground*
I wanted to beat his ass for skipping me anyway. The light place about to close.
15 MINUTES LATER …
*Police escort the old man out the bank in handcuffs*
Please don’t take me to jail. I wasn’t trying to rob the bank. You gotta believe me.
You tried to rob the wrong bank. Fool, what if my girlfriend got hurt?
Who, who is your girlfriend?
(points at the pretty woman bank teller)
*Camera pans around the old man’s back showing his POV, revealing the officer’s old age, bald spot in the middle of his head, and cock-eyes.*
Content Warning: The following post contains a sensitive sexual topic that will seem like the author is being insensitive about if not read carefully.
“If she can’t breakdance in them, they are too tight,” said Sydney Australia judge Frank Tsoukatos to Michael Oinegue Gonzalez after 9 more women came forward with rape accusations.
In April 2008, the friend of Mr. Gonzalez’s ex-girlfriend was comforting him about his breakup. The two met for drinks before going to his Surry Hills house to listen to music. She told Sydney District Court they went upstairs to his room because he wanted to show off his drum set. Instead of playing, that’s when Mr. Gonzalez allegedly pushed her on his bed, pinning her down. “I struggled to get up for a while and … then he undid my jeans and … he pulled them off,” the woman said.
During the May 2010 trial, the jury of six men and six women sent a note to the judge asking, “How exactly Mick took off her jeans? We doubt those kind of jeans can be removed without any sort of collaboration,” the letter read. Consequently, the jury voted the sex was consensual.
Now 4 years later, nine more women have come forward accusing Gonzalez of rape. The women reported to police the assaults took place between November 2010 and March 2012. All after the original woman. 3 of the 9 claim Gonzalez repeatedly sexually assaulted them and despite taunts they were afraid to go to the police. “He was bragging about how he got away with it the first time and about how he could do it again. And I believed him. Based on my fashion preferences I knew I would have been scorned and ridiculed. That’s why I never told anybody about what happen,” said one of the women. The other 8 told similar stories about their taciturn.
So what gave them hope? A chatroom dedicated to sexual assault victims. “The more and more we talked and got into detail about what happened to us, our stories started to sound strangely familiar. Mick had the same MO. The drums,” said another woman. Realizing their strength in numbers, they walked into the police station holding hands with a new sense of hope.
Until the investigation into these nine women stories are conclusive and trial’s end-all of which could take up to 2 years like last time-Judge Tsoukatos ordered Gonzalez only to be seen in public with women wearing parachute pants. Judge Tsoukatos even went as far as bringing a television in the courtroom, showing Ciara’s music video for Promise, where she and other women dance around in baggy jogging suits as an example of what he meant. Judge Tsoukatos requested the public to call 911 immediately if they spot Gonzalez in public with a woman wearing skinny jeans and offered a $200 reward for doing so.
When court reporters asked Gonzalez what he thought of the judge’s ruling, he said, “CAN HE DO THIS?! Where the hell am I suppose to find a girl like that??? Even big girls wear tight clothes. Ugh! I might as well turn gay and date Mason Betha.”
For most ex-convicts its tough finding a job upon release. Then there’s Yoshihito Harada, the 25-year-old Japanese man who was arrested for slashing the car tires of 1,000 women in the parking lots of supermarkets around Japan. While the women were in the stores, Harada used a screw driver to puncture their tires. Then he would come out of nowhere and “notice” their “predicament” BEFORE they did. Apparently suffering from Hero syndrome, Harada would then offer to fix their “flat.” While doing so, he would go for what he was really after: their phone number. “I recently got a flat and a man offered to change it for me,” said one victim of Harada’s scheme to her friend. The friend blurted,“The same thing happened to me!”Suspecting a scam, the women reported the matter to police who launched an investigation.
Reactions to this story has varied: Women find it creepy; men want to know how many numbers he got. But the most surprising reaction has been from Triple A and a pit crew at NASCAR, who see opportunity and the bright side of this situation. Both are reportedly in a bidding war over his employment after he gets out of the slammer. When both parties were asked why are they interested in Mr. Harada, they said the same thing, “After changing a thousand tires, he’s probably real skilled at it.” The NASCAR pit crew said they are pretty confident Harada will side with them because they have something AAA don’t: Danica Patrick. “Imagine how fast he will change those tires.”
Anonymous blogging has cost one woman her relationship of 21 days. J, as he is called in the blog, IMissMyBoyfriend.com, went to sleep one night on the right side of the bed; reserving the left side for his girlfriend, K, as she calls herself on the blog. However, he woke up in the middle of the bed; girlfriend on neither side. He looked across the room and saw a familiar sight: his girlfriend’s head on top of her laptop’s keyboard as if it was a pillow. He told us, “She’s been falling asleep at her computer ever since we’ve been together. I’m always picking her up and putting her in the bed the next morning then going back to sleep myself. This time I wanted to do things differently and see what the hell she’s always working on.” He said, “After I put her in the bed, I sat down at her computer and started reading. I scanned all the headlines and it was all these posts about her missing me. It felt good for 5 seconds then I became disturbed when I realized I haven’t been on vacation. I haven’t been nowhere. At least not from her. We’re always together. We even work and go to school together. Then I started reading some of the posts and it was all about me scratching my ass and farting in my sleep and how I kept tossing and turning and how she was crying her eyes out because she missed me. I’m fucking three feet away you psycho!!! In one post, she said she experimented and blogged from the living room while I slept in the bedroom. She wrote she missed me so much she started crying so loud she woke me. Yeah, I remember this night. I jumped out of bed to ask her what was wrong and she said … nothing! To make matters worse, she even recorded videos of this crap. The fuck!!! It got 74,638 views. Who the fuck are you sick people?!?! I felt so embarrassed and so self-conscious. Who wants to know they snore??? I felt used. I don’t know if it was because she had writer’s block, was overly attached, a social media addict, or just a fucking psycho, but I had to put a restraining order on her that says she has to be a lot more than 3 feet away from me.”