Tag Archives: wordplay

You Ain’t So Tough (WordPressident #15)

You ain’t so tough
Without your boys
You ain’t said much
What’s all that noise?
I ain’t me when I’m hungry (stop snickering)
And you ain’t you when you’re with your homies
Played the dozens when you had strength in numbers
But when them eggheads was eight miles yonder
You lost control over the 1’s and 2’s when son asked you, “what you say about my mama?”
What ya say, what ya say? Un-huh, “un-un”
Went from a, my mum blew to a mumble
What happen to the W when you had double you’s? I wonder
The man in the mirror moonwalked without a stumble
The glass shattered into a puzzle
The chrome won’t give the explorer an edge over the firefox in the safari, come to
You draw a blank and hundreds of tabs puncture with punctuation
Ay, Caramba! I could rumble, punch your face in, launch your space men
Keyboard warriors with 3, 4 multiple guess why they call it account
Guess why they call it amount
I let you kids throw rocks at my truck
Don’t stop and just truck
‘Cause if I did not y’all are fucked
Won’t have a chance
It’s all downhill for you but an uphill battle for me defending this Avalanche
Like that ain’t what happen man!
I won’t ever rest, or nap again
“Say that again!”
You kittens gotta be kidding spitting how a Siberian tiger should be kicking his writtens
Hissing “It should’ve been the Sierra Altitude Edition …
because of the, you know,” mannnn listen
Pulled you aside when you got beside
Yourself, Team I
Got ya one on one, one by one where you reside
But it really be like …
One bye, two bye, three bye
These guys were seaside
To make it look like a shark attack
Their jaws were at where Jaws was at
Bruce, they called him that before I fed him arms and legs and all of that
But now it’s Bruce Bruce, small and fat
Baby Shark gone have to doo doo doo doo
all the crap on SpongeBob and Pat or breathing how large a task when singing the song in baths?
Don’t you splash free water on my rug, that’s Persian purchased with Paul Manafort money
Something you can’t afford dummy
Man avoid junkies
Pimp hand escort honeys
To the therapist for her neck massage
“Long day at the desk, corsage”
Daisy allergic to lilies
Perfectly silly
L’Oreal, Maybelline, oh what a find!
Rihanna got her own line
Foundations ain’t basic take your time
I wish you could make up your damn mind
Maybe MAC can come out with a MacBook
And you care less about your apple bottom getting fast looks
From men who gave another woman their last, Cooke
Is yours but peep, how the irony unfolds the crease
Wife found the way to your heart, not on the roads or streets
Here comes the airplane through your stomach, with more on the stove to eat
Gross indeed to think about eating groceries with a PINK label
Think stable that’s a mistake bul
Gets a no from me
Your wife is the real rare one … if you sold on Queens, hold and squeeze, and don’t let go for green, go on green … vroommmmm

YouTube update in the comments.

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I’ll Call Your Name When You Vacuum (WordPressident #14)

Image via @TheSims
I’m blowing text text text in bubbles,
They tell ya failure,
I’m in trouble,
Swimming 6 feet is a struggle,
Hasselhoff hustle hustle,
You say you, you know me
Blue-blue-blue, blue-blue-blue, blue-blue … blue
Mr. Blankman finish my sentence for me
Started with me wanting the boys to wonder, “Is her bikini bottom real?”
Ends with me finding out Bikini Bottom’s real
Hello, hell low
Sharks circling SquarePants is The Shape Of Water, acute
I am fibbing on the triangles and should octagon before they channel me into a mute
Turn it up mama your baby on TV blink at 182
When I go Down Under tell my little sister I went to Australia and when the water changes color tell my little brother I pee’d in the pool
I love you, you and you
And I promise I’ll see you all very soon
Next time you clean your room
I’ll call your name when you vacuüm
Whatever you do, don’t go looking for me in the front or you’ll be the one living in a vacuüm
Boom!
It’s not over until the fat lady sings
“In your Krispy Kreme dreams”
Boom boom room!

FY,

Har+new

Kiss Peace 💋 🕊

 

Skeletons In My Closet who Took Forever to Get Ready

Broken hangers

Skeletons in my closet who took forever to get ready

About time they finally put on “oh this old thing” they were casket sharp

Let’s give a big hand to The Late Har-old L. Weak, ladies and gentlemen!

Now that goes for the cheer-ren too, let me get a little hand

We meant it when we said trying our Father’s thyme on some cal and deer was gonna have ya moving your seconds hand around like ya wanted to clock somebody

Ya got Sir Wallingford on his hands and knees with Tweety Bird, Twitter Bird, Bryan Williams’ Birdman, Michael Keaton’s Birdman flying around his head

And you on your damn hands and knees for a different reason, begging please, making my flesh crawl

Boy, if you don’t …


I lied down with a dog but I didn’t get up with fleas

I woke up with what I thought was a cold sweat then I realized the company I keep

6-week-old Rottweiler, Pitbull mix I call Darkman after my favorite rapper

Licks my face when I’m sleeping like a Behr to let me know it’s time to paint the town red

Grab my coat for the sure wind

More Benjamins ‘cause X likes to live Royal

Concealed my Ace’s hardware incase I have to make these jokers PPG and get Lowe

Damn if I take any longer to get ready X gonna give it to me and have my place looking like a Shih Tzu

And I’ll only be identified by the teeth of my skeleton key, the canine, on the way out that revolving door is gonna hit you

WordPressident #13

Our bottom lips sticking together as we pull away from the kiss
The hug dies in our arms
Scratch on our ring fingertips as we let go of each other hands
Walking away from each other backwards with clean backgrounds
Not taking no L’s, falling in the hole of the O, getting hit by a V, crashing into a dam snake oil salesman who claims his Dell didn’t always have a tilted E
The barbecue sauce on my ribs
So I know you’re the HIS in Memphis
Okay, well, maybe for a season after I saw too much skin I bundled up and got my meat cumin spiced on a spring mattress
She was leaving before you entered the picture
Don’t act picture-perfect as if you’ve always been the lady on the other side of the noodle
Not a put-down of your frame but you know the real reason I place my hand on the small of your back in public
Sometimes to guide you to a first-class seat
Sometimes to guide you down a flight of stairs
The apple bottom of my eye is rotten sometimes
A worm on the inside, a real pain in the ass, you know
But, but, I love her to the core
Not just when she’s a snack, Apple Slices
Not just when she’s breakfast, Apple Jacks
Not just when she’s lunch, Apple Bee’s
Not just when I’m thirsty, Apple Cocktails
Not just when she’s dinner, Apple Jacks
Not just when she’s dessert, Apple Pie
When the groceries fresh I don’t need plastic
When they pass the expiration date I double bag it
Let’s eat …

Wordpressident #11

The half-moon is the apostrophe between the Z and the S. The heavy breathing of the monster and skeleton sent the bed-skirt flying upwards, covering my exposed legs. The howling wind came through the opening of the glass like a straw and ripped the sheepskin right off my hide. Sleep is the cousin of death because I woke up sweating bullets hearing “ant ant ant” from my alarm clock. The time was handcuffs, handcuffs, handcuffs. 3:33. The colon between the numbers were batting it’s eye lashes like it wanted a conjugal visit. I had 13 inches free; my other foot and both my hands were tied up. An imperfect 10 was getting even with me. It’s like the lump transferred from the oddball to the throat how I was engaging in emotional eating. I couldn’t swallow because I knew this She-Devil stuck her forked-tongue in my breakfast in bed. The blood is the only part of the steak the vampire likes. Why does Cupid shoot arrows without good directions attached to it? Because everywhere I go makes me weak in the knees and I keep falling for a head over heels, whose favorite piece of the shoe is the shank. Maybe I wouldn’t be in these situations if my favorite part changed from breast to sole? Skeleton hands wrapped around her ankles and pulled the little closet freak under. The time I copped I spent wisely freeing myself with the 3rd little piggy. Got out the big house and the first thing on my to-do list wasn’t a brick house with wolf pussy.

I want a check sign next to a signed check. Number 2. I wanna walk in the bank like my shit don’t stank. 3:33. I want fuzzy handcuffs slapped on my wrist by Fine M. Banker for not taking off my hat and shades. You see, the hat for the one-eyed-monster I call Mike Wazowski. The shades to block sonny boy and little miss sunshine. But I’ll gladly take off my pants to show you I don’t have a gun in my pocket. But I do keep a pair of red striped white socks stuffed in my pants; Get your mind out the gutter. I know what you’re thinking. “Them there socks make up 9 inches of the 13 inches from earlier.” Yeah, you’re right …. because I was referring to my shoe size, not my penis, genius. And I know what you’re not thinking judging a book by its cover, “He gotta put ‘em somewhere since it’s a fashion faux pas to wear ‘em with Sperrys.” This reminds me of how much you and your girl got in common. My ensemble was the topic of our conversation last night on the phone. She asked, “What you got on?”


Fisherman hat

Navy blue shirt

Anchor print boxers

Dockers

Boat shoes


Translation: Wave goodbye to your relationship.

And nahhhh N word y’all can’t still be ‘endzzzz!