I want a check sign next to a signed check. Number 2. I wanna walk in the bank like my shit don’t stank. 3:33. I want fuzzy handcuffs slapped on my wrist by Fine M. Banker for not taking off my hat and shades. You see, the hat for the one-eyed-monster I call Mike Wazowski. The shades to block sonny boy and little miss sunshine. But I’ll gladly take off my pants to show you I don’t have a gun in my pocket. But I do keep a pair of red striped white socks stuffed in my pants; Get your mind out the gutter. I know what you’re thinking. “Them there socks make up 9 inches of the 13 inches from earlier.” Yeah, you’re right …. because I was referring to my shoe size, not my penis, genius. And I know what you’re not thinking judging a book by its cover, “He gotta put ‘em somewhere since it’s a fashion faux pas to wear ‘em with Sperrys.” This reminds me of how much you and your girl got in common. My ensemble was the topic of our conversation last night on the phone. She asked, “What you got on?”
Navy blue shirt
Anchor print boxers
Translation: Wave goodbye to your relationship.
Door. The two O’s are double doors. The D-R is doctor. I don’t wanna walk into this hospital by myself. I need the sup in support. I need the port in support. A greeter who never harbored any ill feelings in our relationship and left my side. Your vessel of love is my safe haven. The reef in re-fuge. The sea in se-cur. I-T-Y. I thank you … for being a Wonder Woman and not a wandering whoa man did you see her …
Use to spell team I-A-M-E until my WW underscored the importance of U-N-I together. I achieved more working as a unit than I would have laboring at it alone. Is it baby or ba-by ‘cause some men leave when they hear the words “I’m pregnant.” Talking about they going to the store. Say they going to the store when muthafuckas like me can only find closed stores because they’re new and they need a customer to cut the purple ribbon for their grand opening. I ran before they put the oversized scissors in my hand, but while I was sprinting, I was looking back, unaware of traffic signs. My breast snapped the finish line ribbon. If I paid attention to the blueness of the Parking sign and the redness of the Stop sign I would have known purple lie ahead. Future turn on the lights.
I wrote this on Fanny Blankers 100th birthday, but I didn’t speed write. Her ghost in the wind blew out the candles. Ghost in the shell Donatello. Ghost in the machine Address Book Killer. Yellow pages logo when she walked her fingers across my waves. White pages logo my W extends her reach to make the line for the H sharp. Her name not Barbara. She wears her cape in the front.
Do I have to remind you she’s a Wonder Woman whose got it all from A to Z? But they trying to make the ampersand the 27th letter again. We championing the first, fourteenth, and fourth letters. 2nd Place and 3rd Place want some shit that looks like a ribbon. I blame the motivational speakers. They told me to take CAN’T out my vocabulary. I blame my grandma. She told me to say SIR as a sign of respect. These muthafuckas gave me CANCER!!!
Why the ribbon worm had to be pink doeeeeeee?
I expelled my proboscis because I’m being attacked. I’m under an immense amount of stress. I’m not multiplying. I’m breaking apart. If you don’t put me back in the water in the next few seconds there will be a ribbon in the sky, a worm in the dirt, a ribbon in the sky, a worm in the dirt, a ribbon in the … , a worm in the …
This fucking black cloud still follows me around too Em.
Happy 7th Blogiversary FY!!!
420 on a foggy Friday day
Can’t see the forest for the tree i hug
Yeah it’s Friday but i’m going to bake
Mary Jane exhaled, “hey, no glove, no love
i don’t want your seeds that sticky icky”
So planted tulips on her rosy cheeks
And i snooped around in my blue Dickies
Fuck TruGreen! i like having grassy weeds
My i’s low no more capital letters
Uppercuts to uppercases wham bam
i got the munchies ultimate cheddar
Catching a red-eye flight to Amsterdam
Going back to Cali for brownie points
Can a bih marry Juana in this joint?
999 puzzle pieces pour deliciously on the coffee table
The thousandth ran 2 laps on the grounds before coming to a calm post
The irregular shape of the piece against the perfect tiles makes it look like a spill from this height
Instead of water treating my head line, heart line, and life line, like a finish line, and racing through it like a hare, the shape of this puzzle piece has the profile of a baby tortoise upon slower analysis
“Turtles taste like cardboard” I expressed so I tucked in my puck
Roasting myself like, “You’re such a beanhead for letting that partner of theirs persuade you into spending Starbucks on a 3D puzzle instead of a flat white”
That pile of puzzle pieces sitting atop the mocha lava colored table is sculpted like a volcano, or did those cardboards just fall out the cardboard that way?
Maybe that’s why this turquoise turtle turned course? Poor little thing doesn’t know how to protect itself with its totally coarse shell yet.
Sugar dugar, I’m why your puzzle piece is missing
I have stolen a piece out of every puzzle made since 1991. The piece that most resembles a baby turtle. Don’t ask me how I do it. I don’t share my process with teenagers, mutants, or ninjas.
I was just a weird little zombie kid who wanted pet turtles
Because the pieces were all from different puzzles I never attempted to fill in the blanks with the tabs
Then one day during a commercial break of The Walking Dead I tried out of boredom and something amazing happened …
Best Buy asks customers suffering from any form of memory loss to sleep in cars instead of camping outside stores after man misses Black Friday sale thinking he’s in the woods.
In hopes of not getting his fist in cuffs because of fisticuffs over cuffing the last DVD of F.I.S.T. like last year, a Texas man skips Thanksgiving with his family in order to not skip any strangers in line. The decision was over a television, but 38-year-old Gater Raid is no LeBron James. “I’m just a guy who wanted to save $300 on a 50-inch.” But after not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4, not 5, not 6, not 7 calls from his wife fustigating him over his choice, Gater Raid started drinking heavily.
“I must’ve woke up hung over. My head was hurting so bad I didn’t remember a thing I did last night. I only found out ‘cause of my morning breath. I woke up startled like a kid in Sims 4 when you cancel the sleep action. I didn’t know why I was in a tent. I didn’t know why bells where ringing (Salvation Army), why people were yelling. I thought I was still asleep and dreaming. I peeked out the tent and saw everyone running from something. After I saw all those little chicken legs I quickly jerked my head back inside ‘cause I was afraid of seeing a giant turkey chasing them. Maybe they missed Thanksgiving too and it wanted revenge? I don’t know. I looked around to find my phone so I could call police. When I couldn’t find it that’s when I knew I was in the woods ‘cause I never take any electronics with me on camping trips. I found the courage to poke my head out again, and this time, extended my neck a little further and saw this purple tent with a table sitting in front of it. They had a banner with a cellphone on it. I ask have they called the cops. Said something about Boost Mobile not snitches and stuff. That’s when I realized I was in front of Best Buy and it was Black Friday.”
As of writing, Best Buy or any other store haven’t reported any similar incidents and Raid’s wife would not give any details on what she is getting her husband for Christmas. The staff here at Futuristically Yours doesn’t know if that’s due to the tradition of the holiday or if that means she’s not getting him shit. Sorry readers!
What did you buy on Black Friday?
You can tell how long the skirrrt was that Mercedes matured
Went from a narrow body staying in its lane to a wide body hogging up both
The driver is indecisive
There’s a fork in the road
But if they had my view at 30,000 feet they would see it’s the forked tongue of the devil
And they’re on the highway to hell no matter which way they turn
Now I could be wrong ’cause I have some wings on the left and right
And some creative clouds that look like the periodic table
All blocking my view
The pilot points out symbols BR, BA but over the intercom he’s breaking bad
Or is it due to my ears popping ’cause I ain’t hearing this extra extra shit
Like spelling exxxtra with 3 X’s
What is this? word porn