Tag Archives: work

French Fries at the Bottom of the Bag

Comfort food
I come for you
In a conquered mood
What I’m to do?
Don’t play dumb
Like a plate of crumbs
I know you can say some’ so say some’
The way the cheese hang out the burger makes it look like a tongue
Do I gotta compliment you before you will talk to me? Yum!
Now talk to me
Just when I thought you were gone
And I started to feel all alone I found …

French fries at the bottom of the bag (un-huh)
Almost went “Curry for 3” in the trash (un-huh)
French fries at the bottom of the bag (un-huh)
I’ll eat you cold so don’t you feel bad (un-un)

My work I’m doing it, your work I’m doing it
I’m not a boss but, I’m Super Work Bitch
Untuck my shirt my tennis tail becomes a cape
Fuck your clubhouse I got famous on my 15 minute break

Where all my ladies at who spend too much time in the bathroom? Put your brushes and combs in the air. I want you to repeat after me, go …

It’s Friday 5PM
And I am Queen Weekend
It’s Friday 5PM
And I am Queen Weekend (go!)
It’s Friday 5PM
And I am Queen Weekend (don’t stop!)
It’s Friday 5PM
And I am Queen Weekend
It’s Friday 5PM
And I am Queen Weekend

Okay, now where all my fellas at who spend too much time on the computer writing dirty haiku poems? Put your keyboards in the air! Repeat after me, go …

It’s Friday 5PM
And I am King Weekend
It’s Friday 5PM
And I am King Weekend (go!)
It’s Friday 5PM
And I am King Weekend (don’t stop!)
It’s Friday 5PM
And I am King Weekend
It’s Friday 5PM
And I am King Weekend

Get your crown off the ground King (come on!)
Get your crown off the ground Queen (come on!)
Get your crown off the ground King (come on!)
Get your crown off the ground Queen (come on!)
Get your crown off the ground Royal Family (yeah!)
Get your crown off the ground Royal Family
Get your crown off the ground
Get your crown off the ground
Get your crown off the ground
Get your crown off the ground
Get your crown off the ground

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Practicing Selective Mutism At Jobs You Hate

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Dear Har-old,

One day you will indiscriminately hire a co-worker from a shit job to help with something in your dream job. This will be somebody you worked at least 3 months with. Y’all only exchanged hellos and goodbyes. But now, the words y’all are putting in-between is over lunch, over fulfilling projects, even over each other houses. Y’all aren’t just co-workers anymore. Y’all are best friends in real life. One day they will ask you, “Why didn’t we do stuff like this before?” And you will say, “It wasn’t personal. It was strictly business. Even the steady conflicts. Had I didn’t practice selective mutism at that shit job and engaged in small talk to make time go by quicker I would’ve been 65 before I knew it and there for 25 years with my own parking space. I wanted slow time. I didn’t want to have fun. I wanted to feel like SpongeBob in that episode where he was trying to make time go faster and did all this stuff and only 1 minute had pass. I wanted to feel every damn second of my 8 hour shift. I wanted my entrepreneurial spirit to suffer. I knew it was strong enough to not get crushed. I don’t know what happened in my dreams that night, but one morning I woke up and said FUCK THIS … now here we are!”

Futuristically yours,

Har+new

P.S.

I know taxes is seasonal but quit your job. Don’t play it safe! Focus on doing taxes. This been 3 years in the making! Make as much money as you can. Save. Keep your goal in mind. Your next employer should be Google/YouTube.

Meh Na Speaketh Da England

Galatic

 

A Spanish worker was fined $50 and had it taken out of his paycheck when caught speaking English after telling his supervisor “Meh na speaketh da England” during a forklift incident.

38-year-old Santiago Bardem stacked a pallet of boxes so high on a rack that it hit the sprinkler system causing a massive flood. When the supervisor, Kenneth Berkley, approached Bardem about what happened the Spaniard pretended he couldn’t understand English. Berkley went to get the Spanish-speaking supervisor, Sofia Lopez, to translate. After the two supervisors walked off, Bardem turned to his co-worker, Nubrisco Drew, and effortlessly switched to English, cracking jokes, which caused Drew to laugh so uncontrollably he produced a little flood of his own with tears.

When Bardem saw the supervisors walking back, he kicked Drew while he was rolling on the floor, gripping his stomach, eyes closed, and worse of all, repeating the punchline to Bardem’s jokes. With no one else in sight, Bardem just dropped his head when the supervisors started shaking theirs.

The Nike warehouse in Memphis now has a policy in place that if two Spaniards are having a conversation and a English-speaking person comes in close proximity they must ask the person do they understand Spanish. If so, they can continue with their conversation in their native tongue. However, if not, they must have said conversation in English. The policy, called Meh Na Speaketh Da England, after Bardem’s response, states that you can be fined up to $50 for disobeying it.

Bardem and 2% of the 35% of the warehouse’s Hispanic makeup are fighting back in a subtle way by lobbying for the same policy for African-Americans, who make-up 29% of the warehouse. Spaniard employee Alejandro Vergara in response to racist comments said, “I’m tired of people looking at me like they want to fight. I’m not racist. I just want fairness. Just like people can’t understand us, we have a hard time understanding blacks. They’re the biggest ethnic here after us. I love listening to rap gibberish on the radio but not in conversations. The other day, some black guy called me bae. What is Bae? Is it like Amigo? We Hispanics are having a hard time understanding the slang. I hope bae isn’t anything bad because he invited me over to his house. I don’t want to walk into my death or anything.”

Built on top:

  • Based on a day at work for dad

Have you ever been in a situation where a foreigner pretended to not understand English when you KNOW they do? I JUST heard you …

The Other 8 Hours

Dear Har-old,

We all have the same twenty-four hours available to us in each day. Most of us spend eight hours working and eight hours sleeping. What you do with the remaining eight hours will have a tremendous influence on the level of success you achieve in your life.

Time management revolution. Work. Sleep.

You hate your job: hours are terrible; pay is awful; wretched co-workers; horrid boss. Fine!

You sleep for 8 hours, toss and turn, wake up and can’t remember your dreams. Still fine!

However, with The Other 8 Hours you stack a pyramid of pennies, watch movies like Matrjoschka, play video games like Guitar Heroplaying music someone else has already recorded, build the Leaning Tower Of Pisa with Jenga blocks, watch YouTube videos of other people wasting their time and comment on the internet. DEFINITELY NOT FINE!

If you spend The Other 8 Hours wisely, you will TAKE BACK your precious 16 hours stolen from you by work and sleep.

You will be doing what you love . . . in your sleep. Get it!

Now you have 24 hours to live. Enjoy!

Anything without cost is generally unappreciated. Therefore, Har-old, if you truly believe in the phrase, “time is money,” then why don’t you learn something from jobs and put a monetary value on your time hourly?

Billionaire by 46, right? Well, from your age now until you’re my age, calculate the monetary value of each hour. Do the math!

For example, if every hour is worth a $100k to you, ask yourself, “Is what I’m about to do in this hour worth wasting $100k on?” Because ever since you stated your worth, 2 billion, anything that even resembled a waste of time costed you $100k. This will work better WHEN? you plan your days in advance. You know, that self-organization day thing???

Futuristically yours,

Har+new

P.S. People who read and comment on this letter are so NOT wasting their time 🙂

Back Bone Of Steel

Dear Trista,

Life so far has been a tangled web full of disappointment and clarity, but in order to get through the Halloween woods once more, you must look past the gloomy trail into the gingerbread forest. The job search is hard because you are barely beginning a conquest that will lead you far into success. The employers are bouncing at you because you are their ideal candidate for the brain washed associate realm. Just pick the easiest way to put a smile on your face rather than frown, even if the dollar signs are higher on one side than the other. Get through the day and breathe deep because you survived another minute, and accomplished far more than you’ll ever know.

Futuristically yours,

-Tris-transformation