Tag Archives: writing & blogging

Bomb A** Eggs (WordPresident #20)

Inspired by rain and my son. Only 1000 IQ and Big PP will understand.

Pitter patter of baby Jesus tears on the orange, blue, green and yellow panes
Pitter patter of Jesús tiny feet across the hardwood
Until he knocked the lava lamp to the floor
The higher ground is the coffee table
“Ahhh that’s hot!”
Splishy splashy into the galette des rois
Excuse my French, that’s molten chocolate
Fly like MJ
To the wall, get high like the boyfriend of MJ
Now the tar heels and 10 little piggies are safe in Charlotte’s web
The flash of lightning enlightened him on, where he parked his race car bed
The thunder stole some brodie’s thunder and made the Thunderbird’s alarm go off
Bolted to the bolts and pushed the little red button
“Ahhh that’s not hot!”
Thanks to terrible two’s temper tantrum T-Bird hasn’t left the nest
“Ahhh that’s hot!”
The pitter patter of our amigo off set is 172 centimeters on the growth chart
But the cries in Spanish takes off the popcorn ceiling, my monte negro
“Tell me you’re JKing? That babbling was about something else, baby boy”
“You remember the little red button? Oh! The red button there kid, don’t ever, ever touch the red button!”
“Now I’m kicking these bomb ass scrambled eggs off the airplane”
“Go to your woom and fall asleep at the wheel”
“Look at him! Walking like he drunk” SMH
“Aye, B.C. , please catch some Z’s so my XY can go from E to F in his V”
The F stands for full, not ‘cause you got some of my bomb ass eggs
Only Special K between the box and the bag for U … SWERVE
“You’sa corn pops”
Nah, the hand that rocks the cradle just cares about passing the rock to the hot hand
There’s holes in de-fense
Shoot the J, shoo-shoo-shoot it
No matter if he’s the cereal killer and I’m being a pig, the PTO is still spent having Life for breakfast
So I guess my son caught the W? I’ll take that L and right on cue J-R lets me know it’s the lowercase l to remind me I’m still number 1
But yo! Our last time out, short hand ticked me off asking me to read text messages for his bedtime story
No-no-no-no-no wonder you saying G-G-G-G like 50 Cent instead of goo-goo ga-ga
GN, I’ma let you get some R & R
But at 0600 hours if you don’t have your walkie talkie right the games stop I’m throwing Green Eggs and Ma’am at you

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Joy Lenz (WordPresident #17)

Digging my grave with a spoon and fork
A shovel looks like a spoon
A rake looks like a fork
But this the spoon I use to stab the cereal with before eating it
This the fork I use to put 4 bullet holes in the film on the Salisbury steak to vent it
Sausage party at my tombstone
Pepperoni face at my tombstone
Cheesing hard by my tombstone
Sausage party at my tombstone
But it ain’t nothing pineapple about that because onions on my tombstone
And they ain’t cheesing hard by my tombstone
To you little caesars, call her pepperoni face one more time, you all fall like dominoes
Wash ‘em with a clean punch
Sounds like the kind of prom Papa John would Red Baron
My baby gotta be fly all around, shit
But if you make me a granddaddy before I turn 80 you forever groun…ded
Give Kunta Kinte your feet
Whip ya like JC After D
I knew I should’ve put your ass on B.C.
Ohh Lawd! Got me failing the spelling bee
I was just teaching you how to say your ABC’s
Went from being my apple head to being somebody’s apple bottom
But you cumming and not leaving is the problem
I got ‘em
I solve ‘em with solutions on a so-so loot man
I salute and ask for bigger problems only if God him got him and it comes with that So-So loot man
Money is a thang, Black accent
Money is a thing, white accent
Money is a tink, Irish accent
Depending on the denomination I sound different putting my money where my mouth is
Shout this … oh no! You have AirPods on and can’t hear me
Strangle you with my EarPods to see which will be the first to fall out near me
Fear me, keyboard warriors think they tough as leather and can get me from Curry long distance
Until I bounce and travel to where they lay up and show ‘em what a real currier is man
Flurries of hits bam
Do you even remember what I said earlier listen?
I’m bringing the beef to your front door
The crust to your backdoor
When I’m done you gone have to Dodo out your side-door
No more locked doors
I’m joking, this now a bad neighborhood
Took a L in your homes, essay in the papers sug-
-ar made him open up, swollen shut, tried to spit out the bitterness, silliness, it’s too late fam’
The walls closed in on the Kool-Aid man
Not a repeat of events what I’m saying
First the glass was everywhere
Then the red liquid is everywhere
Or!
First the glass was everywhere
Then the red liquid is everywhere
That’s two ways planned
Two-face scram
Gym and I? Outta here!

the jig is up

999 puzzle pieces pour deliciously on the coffee table

The thousandth ran 2 laps on the grounds before coming to a calm post

The irregular shape of the piece against the perfect tiles makes it look like a spill from this height

Instead of water treating my head line, heart line, and life line, like a finish line, and racing through it like a hare, the shape of this puzzle piece has the profile of a baby tortoise upon slower analysis

“Turtles taste like cardboard” I expressed so I tucked in my puck

Roasting myself like, “You’re such a beanhead for letting that partner of theirs persuade you into spending Starbucks on a 3D puzzle instead of a flat white”

That pile of puzzle pieces sitting atop the mocha lava colored table is sculpted like a volcano, or did those cardboards just fall out the cardboard that way?

Maybe that’s why this turquoise turtle turned course? Poor little thing doesn’t know how to protect itself with its totally coarse shell yet.

Sugar dugar, I’m why your puzzle piece is missing

I have stolen a piece out of every puzzle made since 1991. The piece that most resembles a baby turtle. Don’t ask me how I do it. I don’t share my process with teenagers, mutants, or ninjas.

I was just a weird little zombie kid who wanted pet turtles

Because the pieces were all from different puzzles I never attempted to fill in the blanks with the tabs

Then one day during a commercial break of The Walking Dead I tried out of boredom and something amazing happened …

Nanowrimo Challenge (Post A Day): You Are What You Eat

  • TITLE: You are what you eat
  • LENGTH: 30 sec – 1 min
  • PRODUCT: Whopper
  • WRITER: Har+new

This is a dual column screenplay where the description of the action would be on the left and the dialogue on the right, but since I don’t have that feature (some plug-in) in my post editor so I’m going to utilize the horizontal line.

VISUAL

Two men pull out chairs from a dining table.


AUDIO

“You mind sitting in the next seat.”

“You act as if I’m sitting in the next seat and not the one across from you.”

“Well, I would rather you sit in the next seat than the one directly in from of me because then your bright red hair wouldn’t be blocking my view and those clown feet wouldn’t be stepping on mines.”

“Whatever, dude!”


VISUAL

As both men are sitting down, a server brings them their food on trays.


AUDIO

“Dude, you ordered 6 cheeseburgers?! You better chill. You know you are what you eat with each bite, right?”

“I know.”


VISUAL

Second man unwraps one of his sandwiches and it is revealed to be BURGER KING in a red bubbly font between two shiny buns (the logo). After he takes his first bite the server puts a royal robe over his shoulders. After he takes his 2nd bite the server puts a crown on his head. After 3rd bite the server pulls up a throne. As the man sits in his new seat and is about to take the 4th bite, the server, who is a woman, snatches the sandwich out his hand.  The server sits in the chair next to him and starts feeding and fanning him with her hand. After watching all of this in confusion, the second man runs back to the counter.


AUDIO

“Welcome to Burger King, would you like to try our …”

“Shut up and take my money! I want everything on the menu!”

“Sir, are you sure? You know you are what you eat, right?”


VISUAL

The man turns his head, looking back at his table where the server is still feeding his friend.


AUDIO

“I knowwwwwww.”

Monsters Under Bed

FADE IN

INT. SON’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

SON: Dad, can you spray monster under bed?

DAD: There’s no space under your bed. We cut the legs off remember?

SON: I’m talking about your bed. 

DAD: What?

SON: Yeah, before you here I hear mama fight someone.

DAD: Who?

SON: I don’t know. I knock on door to protect her. I love her and I was beat that monster up like Spider-Man.

DAD: Did you use the web shooter I bought you?

SON: Mama not let me in. She open door little and said everything ok but her hair messed up. I saw something move under bed. I don’t know.

DAD: Well, son, you don’t have to ever EVER worry about seeing anything move under our bed again ‘cause I’m about to go cut 9 legs off. 

SON: It 4. You don’t know how to count daddy haha.

FADE OUT 

Watch: Political Protestor Ran Over By Bus On Live TV After Interrupting News Reporter

ESPN suspends the smile of Doug Glanville for 90 days when  the color analyst appeared to laugh at Luke Walsh, the seventeen-year-old who put Katt Williams in an unlocked choke hold yesterday, after a bus plowed into him.

Following the Tampa Bay Rays 4-1 victory over the Cuban National Team this past Tuesday, ESPN cut to Bob Ley, who was broadcasting live in Havana. As Ley was trying to reiterate President Obama’s “much more than a baseball game” he was video-bombed by Walsh.

After taking a swing at Walsh’s abdomen, Ley said, “Well Lindsey, this was about more than just, more than just, more than just … we have a moment here with a political demonstration on our set,” he said, while swiftly moving off camera to the left and “so let me throw it back now to the studio.”

As Walsh was shouting “ABAJO LOS CASTRO, LIBERTAD PARA CUBA” (“Down with the Castros. Liberty for Cuba.”) and tossing pamphlets in the air that called for reforms in Cuban law to allow rights and liberties, and amnesty for political prisoners, he lost his footing on the platform and fell into the streets, where a bus was coming full-speed ahead. “It was too late to stop,” said the driver. You can see Walsh throwing up multiple peace signs while underneath the bus tires, either saying goodbye or continuing his demonstration while 30,000 pounds of steel was weighing on his mind. Miraculously, it wasn’t the former, as Walsh survived, but within 45 seconds, plainclothes policemen had packed him and 5 other dissidents into a marked car.

When the camera cuts back to the commentators, Eduardo Perez was in the back confused, Doug Glanville was in the middle laughing, and Karl Ravech upfront said, “Well the safety of Bob Ley is obviously the most important …” before the audio gave out.

Warning: This video has graphic content that may be upsetting. Watch at one’s peril.

Built atop:

  • A YouTube comment
  • The “striking” resemblance of the protester and Luke Walsh.

Does that background look fake to you?

 

 

WordPressident #5

From the back of the line
Like the perpendicular symbol
To the middle of the line
Like lowercase t
Now at the front of the line
Like a tittle
999,999 29-year-old chiropractors behind me
I’m the million dollar baby
But I think outside the box
That’s why it only took 3 moves in line to connect the dots
At the back I was puzzled and didn’t know my way around the kitchen
Now I see the big picture but the wall it’s on got grease stains this one is from chicken
This one from fish
This one from fries
But everything taste like paint and wood
At least it don’t taste like cardboard
I been working at warehouses so long it’s starting to fuck with my taste buds
Even the drinks hot
What good is a cocktail umbrella in a glass of Capri Sun Roaring Waters
Or when you’re still paying more for the 20 ounce than ya are for the 2 liter
Refrigerator vs. fridge
Who put the D in the box with an inch that put mileage on … Aww fucking cold too many warehouse references I quit

FY,

Har+new

💋✌🏾

Virtual Hug to the *girl* I *wonder* about … Darryan