Tag Archives: writing & blogging

the jig is up

999 puzzle pieces pour deliciously on the coffee table

The thousandth ran 2 laps on the grounds before coming to a calm post

The irregular shape of the piece against the perfect tiles makes it look like a spill from this height

Instead of water treating my head line, heart line, and life line, like a finish line, and racing through it like a hare, the shape of this puzzle piece has the profile of a baby tortoise upon slower analysis

“Turtles taste like cardboard” I expressed so I tucked in my puck

Roasting myself like, “You’re such a beanhead for letting that partner of theirs persuade you into spending Starbucks on a 3D puzzle instead of a flat white”

That pile of puzzle pieces sitting atop the mocha lava colored table is sculpted like a volcano, or did those cardboards just fall out the cardboard that way?

Maybe that’s why this turquoise turtle turned course? Poor little thing doesn’t know how to protect itself with its totally coarse shell yet.

Sugar dugar, I’m why your puzzle piece is missing

I have stolen a piece out of every puzzle made since 1991. The piece that most resembles a baby turtle. Don’t ask me how I do it. I don’t share my process with teenagers, mutants, or ninjas.

I was just a weird little zombie kid who wanted pet turtles

Because the pieces were all from different puzzles I never attempted to fill in the blanks with the tabs

Then one day during a commercial break of The Walking Dead I tried out of boredom and something amazing happened …

Advertisements

Nanowrimo Challenge (Post A Day): You Are What You Eat

  • TITLE: You are what you eat
  • LENGTH: 30 sec – 1 min
  • PRODUCT: Whopper
  • WRITER: Har+new

This is a dual column screenplay where the description of the action would be on the left and the dialogue on the right, but since I don’t have that feature (some plug-in) in my post editor so I’m going to utilize the horizontal line.

VISUAL

Two men pull out chairs from a dining table.


AUDIO

“You mind sitting in the next seat.”

“You act as if I’m sitting in the next seat and not the one across from you.”

“Well, I would rather you sit in the next seat than the one directly in from of me because then your bright red hair wouldn’t be blocking my view and those clown feet wouldn’t be stepping on mines.”

“Whatever, dude!”


VISUAL

As both men are sitting down, a server brings them their food on trays.


AUDIO

“Dude, you ordered 6 cheeseburgers?! You better chill. You know you are what you eat with each bite, right?”

“I know.”


VISUAL

Second man unwraps one of his sandwiches and it is revealed to be BURGER KING in a red bubbly font between two shiny buns (the logo). After he takes his first bite the server puts a royal robe over his shoulders. After he takes his 2nd bite the server puts a crown on his head. After 3rd bite the server pulls up a throne. As the man sits in his new seat and is about to take the 4th bite, the server, who is a woman, snatches the sandwich out his hand.  The server sits in the chair next to him and starts feeding and fanning him with her hand. After watching all of this in confusion, the second man runs back to the counter.


AUDIO

“Welcome to Burger King, would you like to try our …”

“Shut up and take my money! I want everything on the menu!”

“Sir, are you sure? You know you are what you eat, right?”


VISUAL

The man turns his head, looking back at his table where the server is still feeding his friend.


AUDIO

“I knowwwwwww.”

Monsters Under Bed

FADE IN

INT. SON’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

SON: Dad, can you spray monster under bed?

DAD: There’s no space under your bed. We cut the legs off remember?

SON: I’m talking about your bed. 

DAD: What?

SON: Yeah, before you here I hear mama fight someone.

DAD: Who?

SON: I don’t know. I knock on door to protect her. I love her and I was beat that monster up like Spider-Man.

DAD: Did you use the web shooter I bought you?

SON: Mama not let me in. She open door little and said everything ok but her hair messed up. I saw something move under bed. I don’t know.

DAD: Well, son, you don’t have to ever EVER worry about seeing anything move under our bed again ‘cause I’m about to go cut 9 legs off. 

SON: It 4. You don’t know how to count daddy haha.

FADE OUT 

Watch: Political Protestor Ran Over By Bus On Live TV After Interrupting News Reporter

ESPN suspends the smile of Doug Glanville for 90 days when  the color analyst appeared to laugh at Luke Walsh, the seventeen-year-old who put Katt Williams in an unlocked choke hold yesterday, after a bus plowed into him.

Following the Tampa Bay Rays 4-1 victory over the Cuban National Team this past Tuesday, ESPN cut to Bob Ley, who was broadcasting live in Havana. As Ley was trying to reiterate President Obama’s “much more than a baseball game” he was video-bombed by Walsh.

After taking a swing at Walsh’s abdomen, Ley said, “Well Lindsey, this was about more than just, more than just, more than just … we have a moment here with a political demonstration on our set,” he said, while swiftly moving off camera to the left and “so let me throw it back now to the studio.”

As Walsh was shouting “ABAJO LOS CASTRO, LIBERTAD PARA CUBA” (“Down with the Castros. Liberty for Cuba.”) and tossing pamphlets in the air that called for reforms in Cuban law to allow rights and liberties, and amnesty for political prisoners, he lost his footing on the platform and fell into the streets, where a bus was coming full-speed ahead. “It was too late to stop,” said the driver. You can see Walsh throwing up multiple peace signs while underneath the bus tires, either saying goodbye or continuing his demonstration while 30,000 pounds of steel was weighing on his mind. Miraculously, it wasn’t the former, as Walsh survived, but within 45 seconds, plainclothes policemen had packed him and 5 other dissidents into a marked car.

When the camera cuts back to the commentators, Eduardo Perez was in the back confused, Doug Glanville was in the middle laughing, and Karl Ravech upfront said, “Well the safety of Bob Ley is obviously the most important …” before the audio gave out.

Warning: This video has graphic content that may be upsetting. Watch at one’s peril.

Built atop:

  • A YouTube comment
  • The “striking” resemblance of the protester and Luke Walsh.

Does that background look fake to you?

 

 

WordPressident #5

From the back of the line
Like the perpendicular symbol
To the middle of the line
Like lowercase t
Now at the front of the line
Like a tittle
999,999 29-year-old chiropractors behind me
I’m the million dollar baby
But I think outside the box
That’s why it only took 3 moves in line to connect the dots
At the back I was puzzled and didn’t know my way around the kitchen
Now I see the big picture but the wall it’s on got grease stains this one is from chicken
This one from fish
This one from fries
But everything taste like paint and wood
At least it don’t taste like cardboard
I been working at warehouses so long it’s starting to fuck with my taste buds
Even the drinks hot
What good is a cocktail umbrella in a glass of Capri Sun Roaring Waters
Or when you’re still paying more for the 20 ounce than ya are for the 2 liter
Refrigerator vs. fridge
Who put the D in the box with an inch that put mileage on … Aww fucking cold too many warehouse references I quit

FY,

Har+new

💋✌🏾

Virtual Hug to the *girl* I *wonder* about … Darryan

WordPressident #4

Sneezing the Cheetos dust off my fingertips

Before you bless me, think about coughs and burps a little bit

Because I can hear the jealousy being masked by the coughs and the burp in a Barney Gumble mask

That’s why the odor of the belch smells like Duff over wine

I hate when this happens. How did we go from junk food to religion?

I caught you red handed Chester Cheetah

Wait. That’s not cheetle. That’s the blood of an antelope.

I ain’t see nothing! My vision blurry.

The D.U.F.F over wine … wearing beer googles looks like a 10 on this cocktail napkin

When in a state of sobriety she is the zero. Her friend is the one.

I put that up with my middle finger that got pieces of soap underneath the nail by the way

The bird scratch the Dove

But PETA dial, call to say “that’s the second animal fight in this post”

And to get 29 “likes” and 41 comments on it, I will blindly “like” and comment “Nice post” on 70 blogs just so they’ll visit mines

I guess it’s a dog-eat-dog world

But wait.

Nevermind.

FY,

Har+new

Kiss Peace 💋✌🏾️

Clever Blogger Sends Boyfriend Creative Breakup Text

Hotel rooftop pool

Tuesday, October 13th, 7:57AM, Wesley received a text from his girlfriend, Shirley, saying “Read my post Man Drives Around Neighborhood In White Van With The Count Puppet And Parents Who Weren’t Afraid Of Their Child Being Kidnapped Saw Improvement In Their Math Scores. Wesley replied, “I didn’t even know you blogged.” After reading the thousand word post, Wesley texted, “I don’t get it.” After being ignored for 6 hours, he went back to the post, saw 73 replies, none belonging to Karen, just 23 of her 871 subscribers, and took his confusion to the comment section:

Hi, umm, I’m Shirley’s boyfriend, Wesley, umm, we been together for like 5 years and she texted me the link to this post, and umm, I never knew she had a blog. I don’t understand why she wanted me to read this. It’s not relevant to my life or our relationship. She can definitely be random at times, but she usually explains herself when I’m confused. This time, though, she is ignoring me, which is why I’m leaving this comment to see if anyone here can make sense of this for me.  From reading everyone else’s comments I can see y’all are equally confused.

But when user, “IHoldFartsInAndBurp” read Wesley’s reply, his confusion was no more:

I been following Shirley’s blog since day one. That was in 2011. She has at least 2,816 articles on here. Notice how exact that number is. Yes, I added up the numbers in the archives widget. Do y’all know why I call her posts The Graceland Wall? Because she never includes photos in her posts; they are just a wall of texts. We talking constant 4 thousand, 5 thousand word posts here. I’m pretty sure she lost a couple of ADD followers. This one clocks in at one thousand words on the dot. The reason why we’re all confused is for the first photo to be featured in her 4-year-old blog, it’s a photo of a cat being adorable in the middle of an unrelated post. I love Internet cats just as much as the next old lady, but it’s like, come on. It’s 500 words before and after the picture. When I saw her boyfriend’s comment, that’s when it hit me. What do those blogging experts say about writing long-form posts that don’t overwhelm the reader? They say complement the words with pictures, right? Now what is that called? A BREAK UP TEXT!!!! Wesley, you have just been dumped in the most cleverest way I ever seen in my life!!! Oh My Gawd!!!! Damnnnnnnn!!!! This is definitely relevant to your life!!! Hahaha. Shirley is the best blogger like EVER!!!! I wouldn’t date her though!!!!

Moments later, Shirley confirmed the theory by replying to the commenter with a monkey covering mouth emoji. 🙊

Built on top of:

  • Just thinking of how so many of my recent posts are without photos and how I wanna write daily

How did you last breakup or get dumped by someone?