Tag Archives: YouTube

You Ain’t So Tough (WordPressident #15)

You ain’t so tough
Without your boys
You ain’t said much
What’s all that noise?
I ain’t me when I’m hungry (stop snickering)
And you ain’t you when you’re with your homies
Played the dozens when you had strength in numbers
But when them eggheads was eight miles yonder
You lost control over the 1’s and 2’s when son asked you, “what you say about my mama?”
What ya say, what ya say? Un-huh, “un-un”
Went from a, my mum blew to a mumble
What happen to the W when you had double you’s? I wonder
The man in the mirror moonwalked without a stumble
The glass shattered into a puzzle
The chrome won’t give the explorer an edge over the firefox in the safari, come to
You draw a blank and hundreds of tabs puncture with punctuation
Ay, Caramba! I could rumble, punch your face in, launch your space men
Keyboard warriors with 3, 4 multiple guess why they call it account
Guess why they call it amount
I let you kids throw rocks at my truck
Don’t stop and just truck
‘Cause if I did not y’all are fucked
Won’t have a chance
It’s all downhill for you but an uphill battle for me defending this Avalanche
Like that ain’t what happen man!
I won’t ever rest, or nap again
“Say that again!”
You kittens gotta be kidding spitting how a Siberian tiger should be kicking his writtens
Hissing “It should’ve been the Sierra Altitude Edition …
because of the, you know,” mannnn listen
Pulled you aside when you got beside
Yourself, Team I
Got ya one on one, one by one where you reside
But it really be like …
One bye, two bye, three bye
These guys were seaside
To make it look like a shark attack
Their jaws were at where Jaws was at
Bruce, they called him that before I fed him arms and legs and all of that
But now it’s Bruce Bruce, small and fat
Baby Shark gone have to doo doo doo doo
all the crap on SpongeBob and Pat or breathing how large a task when singing the song in baths?
Don’t you splash free water on my rug, that’s Persian purchased with Paul Manafort money
Something you can’t afford dummy
Man avoid junkies
Pimp hand escort honeys
To the therapist for her neck massage
“Long day at the desk, corsage”
Daisy allergic to lilies
Perfectly silly
L’Oreal, Maybelline, oh what a find!
Rihanna got her own line
Foundations ain’t basic take your time
I wish you could make up your damn mind
Maybe MAC can come out with a MacBook
And you care less about your apple bottom getting fast looks
From men who gave another woman their last, Cooke
Is yours but peep, how the irony unfolds the crease
Wife found the way to your heart, not on the roads or streets
Here comes the airplane through your stomach, with more on the stove to eat
Gross indeed to think about eating groceries with a PINK label
Think stable that’s a mistake bul
Gets a no from me
Your wife is the real rare one … if you sold on Queens, hold and squeeze, and don’t let go for green, go on green … vroommmmm

YouTube update in the comments.

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How to wash basketball shorts with drawstrings

Platform: YouTube 

Category: Comedy

Duration: Up to 60 seconds

Narration: Are you tired of one end of your drawstrings getting pulled into its hole when you wash your basketball shorts? Well, I was, until I stumbled upon this simple solution.

Action: A guy ties the drawstrings into a bow and throws it into the washer.

Placement text: 30 minutes later.

Action: The guy dangles the drenched basketball shorts with the bow still intact.

Narration: So say goodbye to the carpal tunnel you get from doing this for 30 minutes.

Action: The guy pushing the drawstrings back towards the hole by hand.

Dialogue: Ahhh …. shhhh ….

Narration: Yeah, you’re welcome!

“That Was Hard” (Staples Personality Test)

FADE IN

INT. TEMP OFFICE/PROSPECT HOME – DAY

TEMP AGENCY

Hello.

PROSPECT

Yeah, I’m calling to check the status of my drug test and Staples application.

TEMP AGENCY

Well, you passed the drug test, but you didn’t do so well on the Staples personality test.

PROSPECT (sighs)

  How many did I miss?

TEMP AGENCY

They don’t tell us. The results just come back approved or denied.

PROSPECT

Can I re-take it?

TEMP AGENCY

You have to wait 6 months to apply again, but we can help you find work with other companies in the mean-time.

PROSPECT

Long as they don’t require you to take some silly personality test. That’s my third one I failed. What in the world are they looking for?

TEMP AGENCY

We don’t know ourselves; test is full of trick questions.

Flashback to 4 days ago when Staples was reviewing the prospect’s test. 

INT. STAPLES HQ – DAY

STAPLES 1

What’s wrong, Johnson?

STAPLES 2

Well, I’m going over this applicant’s personality test. He answered all the questions how we wanted, except for one.

STAPLES 1

It’s probably one that doesn’t matter. What was the question?

STAPLES 2

“How important is it for you to have time outside of work?” The choices were “not important,” “somewhat important,” “important,” and “very important.” He chose, umm, THAT one.

STAPLES 1

What did you say?! You wait a got-damn minute, Johnson! Slow down! That son of a bitch thinks having a life outside of work is VERY important?!?!?!

STAPLES 2

Hmmhmm.

STAPLES 1

(smacks red button) DENIED!!!!!!!

STAPLES 2

Hey, what’s with the towel?

STAPLES 1

Oh, yeah, watch the men’s restroom door. Make sure no one comes in for the next 30, 35 minutes. I need to take a quick wash-up.

STAPLES 2

Yeah, sure thing, bud’.

FADE TO BLACK

Vibrating Table Writer

Reading Guide:

  • Narration is aligned left with italics.
  • Character names are capitalized with their dialogue underneath. Anything in parenthesis in-between their name and dialogue is how they deliver their lines.
  • Setting description precedes every new scene.

INT. LIBRARY – MORNING

Male and female student sit across from each other studying when the former’s phone rings.

FEMALE

Hey, can you please put your phone on vibrate? I’m trying to concentrate. It’s ringing back to back. That’s like your 8th missed call.

MALE

I’m sorry. It’s my girlfriend. We had a big fight last night. She thinks I’m cheating on her. I’ll put it on vibrate now.

FEMALE

Thanks!

Male student sits phone on table. When it rings again the vibration shakes the table causing the female to make an error in her writing.

FEMALE

Hey, umm, sorry to bother you again, but could you like take it off the table? I’m writing with a pen and now I have to scratch something out because your phone was shaking the table. My teacher really doesn’t want us to make errors on our applications.

MALE

Oh my god! I am so sorry! I really am! I apologize.

FEMALE

Can you just put it in your pocket?

MALE

Yeah, sure.

When the girlfriend calls again, the guy’s body shakes when the phone vibrates and stops in-between the pauses.

FEMALE

Oh my God! Are you having a … seizure?

MALE (with vibration in his voice)

Uhhhhhhhhhhh.

FEMALE

Just, just gimme the phone. I’ll hold it, I’ll hold it for you.

10 minutes has passed, in which the phone continuously ringed.

FEMALE

Hey, I take this theater course and would like to practice my lines. Would you mind role-playing with me for a little? That’s if you’re not too busy studying?

MALE

No, no, sure, I need a break anyways.

FEMALE

Okay, awesome, here’s your script.

Jump cut to the two standing, with the female student thanking the male student for his help. She hugs and kisses him on the cheek, gives him back his phone, then says she has to go. As she walks away from the table she passes a woman who gives her an intense stare-down. The male student sits back down in his chair. The other woman smacks the male student on the back of his head when she approaches the table.

MALE

Ouch! Laura, baby, what are you doing here? And what you do that for?

OTHER WOMAN

 “She will never know about us.”

MALE

Huh?

OTHER WOMAN

“I’m just using Laura for money but I love you and want to start a family with you.”

MALE

What?

OTHER WOMAN

“You see how I ignore her to give you my attention.”

MALE

How you know the script? Wait a minute …

That’s when a cold realization appears in the male student’s facial expression. He understands what happened.

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – MORNING

Cut scene to the female student walking down the hallway with a devilish smile on her face. It is revealed she learned his girlfriend’s name on the caller ID, that she had the phone on speaker with the volume turned down while her and the male student were going over their dialogue, that she texted the girlfriend their location, and she knew when to dismiss herself because she knew how his girlfriend looked from her contact photo. And oh, she doesn’t take any theater courses, but she’s a hell of an actress. 

FADE TO BLACK

Titles of Upcoming Posts:

  • Shade But No Shade (blog wars)

  • Closed Curtains

All scheduled to publish this month.

 

Animal Balloons (Grrr)

Hmph. You telling me you had those animal balloons since November and your first time trying to create a 3 twist dog is today, the day you’re scheduled to upload your next video?! The script was memorized, your hair was cut, the lightening was right. But the reason you’re gonna be a day late is because you can’t make a got-damn giraffe?! A got-damn swan! Oh, something you could have practiced on yesterday, Sunday, your birthday, you know, days you wasn’t doing shit anyways. When I looked at you in the mirror earlier at the gym and said “I hate you” I wasn’t trying to motivate you. I meant that, literally. Who the hell are you, now? Because even Har-old was better than this shit!