Tag Archives: YouTube

How to wash basketball shorts with drawstrings

Platform: YouTube 

Category: Comedy

Duration: Up to 60 seconds

Narration: Are you tired of one end of your drawstrings getting pulled into its hole, when you wash your basketball shorts? Well, I was, until I stumbled upon this simple solution.

Action: A guy ties the drawstrings into a bow and throws it into the washer.

Placement text: 30 minutes later.

Action: The guy dangles the drenched basketball shorts with the bow still intact.

Narration: So say goodbye to the carpal tunnel you get from doing this for 30 minutes.

Action: The guy pushing the drawstrings back towards the hole by hand.

Dialogue: Ahhh …. shhhh ….

Narration: Yeah, you’re welcome!

 

“That Was Hard” (Staples Personality Test)

FADE IN

INT. TEMP OFFICE/PROSPECT HOME – DAY

TEMP AGENCY

Hello.

PROSPECT

Yeah, I’m calling to check the status of my drug test and Staples application.

TEMP AGENCY

Well, you passed the drug test, but you didn’t do so well on the Staples personality test.

PROSPECT (sighs)

  How many did I miss?

TEMP AGENCY

They don’t tell us. The results just come back approved or denied.

PROSPECT

Can I re-take it?

TEMP AGENCY

You have to wait 6 months to apply again, but we can help you find work with other companies in the mean-time.

PROSPECT

Long as they don’t require you to take some silly personality test. That’s my third one I failed. What in the world are they looking for?

TEMP AGENCY

We don’t know ourselves; test is full of trick questions.

Flashback to 4 days ago when Staples was reviewing the prospect’s test. 

INT. STAPLES HQ – DAY

STAPLES 1

What’s wrong, Johnson?

STAPLES 2

Well, I’m going over this applicant’s personality test. He answered all the questions how we wanted, except for one.

STAPLES 1

It’s probably one that doesn’t matter. What was the question?

STAPLES 2

“How important is it for you to have time outside of work?” The choices were “not important,” “somewhat important,” “important,” and “very important.” He chose, umm, THAT one.

STAPLES 1

What did you say?! You wait a got-damn minute, Johnson! Slow down! That son of a bitch thinks having a life outside of work is VERY important?!?!?!

STAPLES 2

Hmmhmm.

STAPLES 1

(smacks red button) DENIED!!!!!!!

STAPLES 2

Hey, what’s with the towel?

STAPLES 1

Oh, yeah, watch the men’s restroom door. Make sure no one comes in for the next 30, 35 minutes. I need to take a quick wash-up.

STAPLES 2

Yeah, sure thing, bud’.

FADE TO BLACK

Vibrating Table Writer

Reading Guide:

  • Narration is aligned left with italics.
  • Character names are capitalized with their dialogue underneath. Anything in parenthesis in-between their name and dialogue is how they deliver their lines.
  • Setting description precedes every new scene.

INT. LIBRARY – MORNING

Male and female student sit across from each other studying when the former’s phone rings.

FEMALE

Hey, can you please put your phone on vibrate? I’m trying to concentrate. It’s ringing back to back. That’s like your 8th missed call.

MALE

I’m sorry. It’s my girlfriend. We had a big fight last night. She thinks I’m cheating on her. I’ll put it on vibrate now.

FEMALE

Thanks!

Male student sits phone on table. When it rings again the vibration shakes the table causing the female to make an error in her writing.

FEMALE

Hey, umm, sorry to bother you again, but could you like take it off the table? I’m writing with a pen and now I have to scratch something out because your phone was shaking the table. My teacher really doesn’t want us to make errors on our applications.

MALE

Oh my god! I am so sorry! I really am! I apologize.

FEMALE

Can you just put it in your pocket?

MALE

Yeah, sure.

When the girlfriend calls again, the guy’s body shakes when the phone vibrates and stops in-between the pauses.

FEMALE

Oh my God! Are you having a … seizure?

MALE (with vibration in his voice)

Uhhhhhhhhhhh.

FEMALE

Just, just gimme the phone. I’ll hold it, I’ll hold it for you.

10 minutes has passed, in which the phone continuously ringed.

FEMALE

Hey, I take this theater course and would like to practice my lines. Would you mind role-playing with me for a little? That’s if you’re not too busy studying?

MALE

No, no, sure, I need a break anyways.

FEMALE

Okay, awesome, here’s your script.

Jump cut to the two standing, with the female student thanking the male student for his help. She hugs and kisses him on the cheek, gives him back his phone, then says she has to go. As she walks away from the table she passes a woman who gives her an intense stare-down. The male student sits back down in his chair. The other woman smacks the male student on the back of his head when she approaches the table.

MALE

Ouch! Laura, baby, what are you doing here? And what you do that for?

OTHER WOMAN

 “She will never know about us.”

MALE

Huh?

OTHER WOMAN

“I’m just using Laura for money but I love you and want to start a family with you.”

MALE

What?

OTHER WOMAN

“You see how I ignore her to give you my attention.”

MALE

How you know the script? Wait a minute …

That’s when a cold realization appears in the male student’s facial expression. He understands what happened.

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – MORNING

Cut scene to the female student walking down the hallway with a devilish smile on her face. It is revealed she learned his girlfriend’s name on the caller ID, that she had the phone on speaker with the volume turned down while her and the male student were going over their dialogue, that she texted the girlfriend their location, and she knew when to dismiss herself because she knew how his girlfriend looked from her contact photo. And oh, she doesn’t take any theater courses, but she’s a hell of an actress. 

FADE TO BLACK

Titles of Upcoming Posts:

  • Shade But No Shade (blog wars)

  • Closed Curtains

All scheduled to publish this month.

 

Animal Balloons (Grrr)

Hmph. You telling me you had those animal balloons since November and your first time trying to create a 3 twist dog is today, the day you’re scheduled to upload your next video?! The script was memorized, your hair was cut, the lightening was right. But the reason you’re gonna be a day late is because you can’t make a got-damn giraffe?! A got-damn swan! Oh, something you could have practiced on yesterday, Sunday, your birthday, you know, days you wasn’t doing shit anyways. When I looked at you in the mirror earlier at the gym and said “I hate you” I wasn’t trying to motivate you. I meant that, literally. Who the hell are you, now? Because even Har-old was better than this shit!

The Shaky Room

My room stopped shaking.
That could only mean two things.
My mom stuck her head through the door.

“Are you asleep?”
“No.”
“How come?”
“Thinking about dad.”
“He’s in a better place.”
“Fire takes you to a better place?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, why every time I touch the top of the stove when the rings red you spank my booty? Don’t you want me to go to that better place to see daddy again?”
“It’s not your time yet, sweetie.”

And with that, she started to back her head out the door.

But I caught her by a hair when I said, “I know what can put me to sleep.”
“What’s that, sweetie?”
“Read me a bedtime story.”
“Jody, you’re 6. You’re too old for that.”
“But you never read me one. All the other kid’s moms do. You never treat me like a princess.”

I sobbed.

And with that, she fully emerged in the doorway, came and knelt at my bedside.

She explained her reasons.

My grandfather was a highway serial killer. He use to climb through my mother’s window every night, where she lived with her foster mom, and tell her bedtime stories about a lonely king seeking a queen. The lonely king turned out to be him. The queens were the victims he abducted on the road. My grandfather killed the ones he deemed unfit to be a surrogate mother. My grandma died in a house fire.

I giggled. “Stop tryna scare me, mommy.”

She raised up, said she’ll be  back. I thought when she did come back it was gone be through the windows. Good thing my room doesn’t have any. She walked back through the doorway a few seconds later holding papers in her hand. They were drawings. I felt funny, because every time I asked for a coloring book she told me it was a “no, no” and every time I showed her what I drew at school, in Miss Belle’s art class, she ripped it up. Mom told me they were the drawings she did at my age every morning after grandpa’s story the night before.

And with that, she kissed me on the cheek, raised the blanket from my belly button to my chin and left.

My room started shaking again.

There were 11 drawings. They all looked the same. The king, the princess, the castle. But the queen always had a different face. I saw guards in 5 of the drawings. But the king always outsmarted them. Well, except in the last one. I like the colors. I wanna trace over them. They look so pretty. Ooooh mom drew a dog. I want one! He so cute! If I had a dog I would name him Max. We can play horse-see.

My room stopped shaking.

Mom didn’t pop her head through the door.

This could only mean the second thing.

I heard a man’s voice. “Are you heading West?”

Mom told him yes.

My room dipped a little.

I sure hope that fellow makes my mom happy on the way West because I don’t want her mad because then I mad. What makes these guys so special??? How come she takes them to a better place and they get to see my daddy and she not let me go???

Hmph. Pout.

Nightmares

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